I won't let you go
by beariepastel
Summary: "Kim Namjoon, you promised you wouldn't let go! You chose us over a solo career, you said it will always be us over being solo. And now look at you! Huh? What are we supposed to do… we can't do it without you Joonie… I- can't do it without you. You promised me the first night we made love, you would never let me go! I miss you so much, you idiot, I just want you back."


"Breaking News! We just received word that global boyband BTS was rushed into Seoul National University Hospital at 2:45 this morning."

Everything was burned into the back of the eyelids and ears as they sat in the waiting room of the operating room.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick-

His eyes stung just as much as everyone else's but it wasn't long before the dam broke and fresh tears were falling and heart-broken sobs filled the waiting room. How could he live with himself if his dongsaeng didn't pull through? He gripped his hair as he sunk to the floor; It was too much, it was all his fault, if only he had been paying more attention, they wouldn't be like this.

It took several hands and some of the hospital staff to get their eldest to finally calm down or else they would have had to restrain and sedate him which was not what they needed more than they could handle right now.

"Listen Seokjin, I understand you feel really guilty. But right now, we all need to pull through for one another, and especially for Namjoon. You don't think the others are worried right now? We all are so please until we hear from the doctor, worry for the others too, not just yourself." Sejin then leads Jin back to the others where they all pulled him into a hug, their manager leaned on the wall watching the remaining boy as they all comforted one another.

It was another several hours before Namjoon's family had shown up and from the looks of it, they had fared no better than them. Jin immediately stood up and bowed, but he couldn't even open his mouth before he was puking over his own hand. Everything was spinning as he tried to straighten himself up but he felt so weak, he couldn't register the multitude of hands holding him from falling over as it grew worse. His head was throbbing, and ears ringing. He couldn't hear, Why couldn't he hear?

"Shit, I think he's going into shock. Someone, help!" Hoseok called as he tried to hold onto the older, he was so cold as he laid him on his side. Everyone stood and watched as Hoseok tried to bring Jin back down but they knew he was going to have to be sedated and put to a room. Hoseok sniffled as he carded his hand through Jin's hair whispering soothing words.

"Why can't I hear? I can't hear… please." He was falling, he was pretty sure of it. Everything was numb and he couldn't hear as the ringing was now replaced with the sound blood rushing through his ears. Jin could barely register the sharp prick to his arm as he pleaded for someone… anyone to help fix his hearing, it wasn't before long everything grew heavy. A gentle touch and words he couldn't make out was the last thing he could see and feel before slipping unconscious.

"Don't worry Hyung, they'll take good care of you." Jimin sucked in a deep breath as he held onto Jin's hand, not wanting to let go as they loaded him onto the gurney. He couldn't lose another brother like this, and as much as it broke his heart he knew it was for the best.

The room was absolutely stuffy and hot, and with the mix of fresh and dead flowers, it honestly made his head spin a little as he took a seat next to the bed.

"Namjoonie-hyung, it's been two weeks now since we found out your condition. Jinnie-hyung is a wreck, he doesn't come out of the room unless we force him to. Yoongi-hyung has taken up cooking so well. It's honestly like he's a mom now, hehe. But… when night time comes. He goes to the studio, and like Jinnie-hyung. We have to drag him out." Taehyung sighed as he talked to Namjoon, things truly haven't been the same since he was pronounced brain dead. It tore everyone apart.

"It's so hard, but we try our best to get by at the moment. ARMY is still really supportive, we get messages every day about you, and how they're praying for us. Some say they want you to recover…" Taehyung let out a dark chuckle and pushed his hair out of his face, "How I wish… that was such a thing Hyung. I really wish it was."

Taehyung wiped his eyes as he looked at his "sleeping" hyung and sighed.

"I really wish it was."

* * *

"Aigoo, it's already been a month. I heard you just came back from another scan Namjoon-ah, the doctors really seem to be trying their hardest to find out if you truly are gone." Hoseok played with Namjoon's fingers as Jimin and Yoongi sat on the wall having a quiet conversation to themselves, it warmed his heart to know that something small, but good came out of this horrible situation, smirking to himself he looked up to Namjoon's now this face.

"Our album dropped, and of course it topped the charts. I'm sure you're all proud of us, you should be proud of yourself too hyung. We really couldn't have done it without you. Ahhh, I really wish visiting hours were longer Namjoonie-ah, but we have to go soon. Maybe, we can Seokjin-hyung out to finally come and visit you." Hoseok stood as he gently squeezed Namjoon's hand, and he swore, absolutely swore on his life. He felt his leader's hand twitch.

"Hoseokie, aren't you coming? Unless you want to be carried out like last time?" Looking up, Hoseok could see Jimin teasing him and he couldn't help but pout. It was one time!

"Yah! Park Jimin, it was one time." Hobi let go of Namjoon's hand and quickly followed behind them, but not before taking one final look at Namjoon and sighed. It really must have been in his head.

"Hoseok, let's go!" It was Yoongi's turn to call him, he wanted to get home and start dinner before it got too late. Jimin giggled as he mumbled about how Tae, Hobi, and Kook turned into babies when they weren't fed in time.

* * *

The sound of keys rattling caused his head to shoot up from the book he was reading and watched as Yoongi, Jimin, Hobi, and Jungkook (whom they had run into coming from practicing dance) stumble through the front door all laughs and giggles. The group suddenly went quiet at the sight of him sitting on the couch, book in hand and TV on low.

"Jin-hyung…" Jimin was about to walk forward, but Jungkook had beat him to it, shoving the plastic bags into his hyung's free hand and pushed past them. Jin cleared his throat as he set his book down and stood to meet the maknae, he couldn't stop the trembling in his hands as he reached out but was instead pulled into a tight embrace.

"Hyung… Seokjin-hyung, you're really here." His voice wet and trembling as his tears soaked the thin material of Jin's T-shirt, he could feel Jungkook's grip growing tighter on him and Jin sighed deeply as he let himself go.

* * *

Jin stood nervously outside of Namjoon's room, grip on the flowers and book he was holding so hard he wouldn't have been surprised if the stems were broken when he placed them down and nail marks in the soft worn out paper cover… if he could ever work up the nerve to walk in. He wasn't sure if he was ready to see Namjoon, it had been nearly three months now and he was suddenly regretting ever coming out of the house, but today was the last day and he was the last one to visit.

"Seokjin?" The elder looked up to see Namjoon's mother standing before him, he opened his mouth but quickly clamped it shut. He had nothing to say to her, not out of anger. But pure shame, for how he acted when they first came to the hospital, he was the eldest, he was supposed to set the example and he couldn't have even done that.

"I know that twisted look from anywhere, I understand you know." The small woman took a seat and patted the chair next to her, she watched as Jin hesitated but came anyway. Jin set the book and flowers next to him on the floor and folded his hands in his lap.

"Mrs. Kim, I'm really-" He was quickly shooshed as his hand was grabbed.

"I'm sure Namjoon already told you his story about us, it's such a demanding job. But, you're also human and so is he. Life happens and this is life, I know you feel incredibly guilty about everything. And I was so angry at you at first, maybe even a part of me still is. But, I can't spend the rest of my life being angry someone for something that was an accident. Namjoon would for sure be upset, disappointed even. Kim Seokjin, you are so young so please don't let this stop you from truly living your life…" Mrs. Kim looked to the clock and sighed deeply, patting Jin's hand she stood and smiled softly.

"Now, go talk to him."

The sound of the scraping chair filled the otherwise silent hospital room as it was pulled up to the bed. Brushing his hair out of his eyes, Jin slipped his hand into Namjoon's and laced their fingers together.

"Has it really been this long Namjoon-ah? It doesn't seem it like though, it really seems like yesterday we were coming from practice… Namjoonie, we really miss you- I… really miss you". His voice wavering as clutched at Namjoon's cold hand harder, he could feel the tears threatening to spill over as he continued.

"I truly wish, I can hold on longer to what we have. I- I remember when we first met. You were so formal before until I got fed up and told you to stop." He chuckled and sniffled before sighing deeply, "I remember when you had asked me out, as cliche as it was we were on the beach filming Save Me… you wanted to look for crabs; which was the cutest thing ever. My cute Joonie, heh. You pulled me aside, away from the cameras and it was just pure word vomit. I got so frustrated and just kissed you stupid, but I was so happy you had felt the same way. You promised me, us… forever."

Jin truly couldn't stop his tears this time as he gripped Namjoon's hand tighter, gritting his teeth as he repeated over and over that he had promised him they would be together.

"Kim Namjoon, you promised you wouldn't let go! You chose us over a solo career, you said it will always be us over being solo. And now look at you! Huh? What are we supposed to do… we can't do it without you Joonie… I- can't do it without you. You promised me the first night we made love, you would never let me go! I miss you so much, you idiot, I just want you back."

"Seokjin…" The elder tensed both hands clasping Namjoon's tightly, he wasn't ready to let go. He didn't think he truly would be able to. But, his time was up. Nodding dejectedly, Jin reluctantly pulled away from Namjoon and returned the chair to its rightful place. Quickly making his way over to Namjoon's parents he bowed and thanked them for being able to have his final moment with their son, and went to stand by his band members.

"Mr. and Mrs. Kim, if you're ready, just let me know when." Mrs. Kim held her husband's hand so tight it might as well have been like from when she first gave birth, wiping her tears she looked to her husband and nodded.

"Pull the plug."

* * *

The funeral went by without any complications, and while many bawled their eyes out at the facts it was all too real, that is was all too fast. That he was just with them, now he was gone. Well, he was gone too. He couldn't cry anymore, those tears long gone as well as his ability to feel anything at this moment.

He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and turns to meet Taehyung's eyes, offering a small and fairly weak smile. It really is the most he can offer, he officially lost the love of his life, his rock, his soulmate. And as selfish as it was, he really wanted to be left to his own devices.

"Since everyone has just about left Hyung, go talk to him again. We'll be waiting by the car when you're ready." Mustering up a nod, Jin watched as they walked off and sighed. Reaching into his pocket, the elder pulled a small envelope and examined it. Time seemed to slow itself down as he made his way over to Namjoon's newly polished and thoroughly decorated in gifts and flowers headstone.

"Namjoonie…" Seokjin crouches down and flips the letter in his hands by the corners, before taking the small Ryan figurine out of his pocket and uses it as a paperweight.

"I wrote you this letter, I would open it. But, that defeats the purpose haha. Just know that it talks about how much you've done for all of us, not just me. But, for everyone. The boys, your parents… even ARMY. I'm making a promise to not let go of anything. This feeling, I know will pass Namjoonie, but it hurts so bad." Jin laughed as tears fell, his chest hurt so bad. So so bad, but he needed to promise, just like Namjoon had.

"Oh god it hurts, but it'll pass. I will move on, but not right now you know. I just came to give you this and tell you my promise. If I can't fulfill it, you have every right to come back from the grave and haunt me." He couldn't believe he actually laughed wholeheartedly at that and smiled while brushing his hair out of his face.

"Kim Namjoon, I am here before you to promise you I won't let you or our family go."


End file.
